Really. I am. And I am sorry, but I’m sadly very judgy. But I’m working on it, and it’s getting better. Most people who know me maybe wouldn’t think I’m that judgy. And I wish I wasn’t. But the less judgy I become, the more I’m realising how judgy I was. But it is true as they say, we judge ourselves worst of all.
Anyway, I’m writing this particular post because I decided to wear a small silk scarf around my neck, tied as a bow, and then something weird happened. I started realising that most of the time I’m being judgemental, it’s because I see someone doing something, that in some way or another is breaking a rule I’ve imposed on myself. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes because it’s something I’ve “learned” to follow from family, friends, colleagues, tv, articles I’ve read and so on.
Let me rewind a bit further. A couple of weeks ago I posted this picture on instagram, and explained that I want to allow myself to have more FUN with clothes, INCLUDING how I pose. I’m a person who is very much anti-capitalist, (at least as it is working today), anti consumerism, pro body positivity, embracing imperfection etc. Finding my place online in an environment largely dominated by accounts and profiles that often promote values very much opposite of mine is… weird. And I felt limited, and trapped. I didn’t want to do the things I associate with values that do not align with my own, for example “outfit pictures”, especially if I’m posing in a way that makes me look proud, happy or confident. But I decided to change that.
Here’s what I wrote in that post (skip it if you read it before in Norwegian!)
Let’s make fashion fun again! (or clothes… I mean clothes.. because fashion, that’s a bit tiring 😜 ) I have decided to try to have a bit more fun with clothes again.
I place an insane amount of restrictions on myself all the time, and it’s exhausting! I hope that if I work on caring less, then maybe some of you can care less too. That could mean to simply not spend any time thinking about what you wear, just wear jeans and a sweater every day for example, and that’s great if that suits you. But I, I actually think clothes are fun, I jsut forgot about that for a few years. But I’m going to try to be a bit more like a child again. Play more. Enjoy. Using clothes. Thoughts and restrictions I’m working on letting go of, both in terms of what I wear and the pictures I take are: “don’t look like you’re trying too hard. Don’t look like you think you’re anything special. Don’t look like you’re too happy. Don’t look like you’re too sad. Don’t look like you take fashion too seriously, don’t look like you don’t care enough about fashion. Etc. I get so paralysed! I think clothes should be something personal, that people can play around with, without having to think too much about what’s “in” or “out”, “right” or “wrong”. But when I feel that I can’t even POSE I give social media and the fashion industry and AAALL of that way too much power by trying to not be a part of it myself, even though I am. So, what I’m thinking now is that the best thing I can do if I want others to stop caring and worrying is to stop caring myself. Or in other words, to put aside the seriousness in all of it, and try to have fun with it. Sometimes that means a dramatic pose, sometimes a sexy one, and that’s ok too. We are complex human beings and exploring and playing around with all the different parts of our personalities is a good thing, there should be room for that.
Fashion and clothes have become so SERIOUS. Why? If we are going to manage to consume less, and not the way the fashion industry advertises, I believe one important step is to start having more FUN with our clothes. Be playful and find our own style. Wear what you want to wear, regardless of what others might think of it. Then you can build a wardrobe you LOVE and want to take care of, mend and maintain, instead of always changing out what you have because you never really chose your wardrobe yourself in the first place.
I used to do that. I used to wear all kinds of weird things but somewhere in between becoming and “adult”, having children, working in fashion and so on and so forth it faded. I adapted. Over and over and over. So now, I’m trying to rewind.
I hope you will try to do the same, unless you already are. As with most things this will NOT just affect the way you dress. How you work on how you dress can show you thought patterns and habits that you might want to change in other areas of your life too.
I try hard now to notice when I limit myself in one way or another, and when I notice, I try to do the thing I almost subconsciously stopped myself from doing. And I started with clothes. One day it was wearing a hat from my great aunt, after not having worn hats in years. Another day I wore a short jacket, even though I wore a long cardigan under it, because my initial reaction was that I had to wear a longer jacket/coat or change my cardigan… The moment I really realised how judgy I am, it was because I decided to wear something as simple as a silk scarf as a bow around my neck.
My thoughts went something like this:
“what will people think? They might think it looks stupid, or too dressed up, or like I’m trying to hard, they might think I think I’m something/someone special”. You might be familiar with those kind of thoughts. So then I stopped myself and I realised I had to wear it. I even added a flower to it, and started taking pictures, to talk about this little “wear a thing I wouldn’t wear” thing I’m doing.
I started realising that all those judgemental voices I attribute to random strangers are my voices. Those are the annoying voices in my head when I see others doing things that I don’t normally do. And I realised that they’re not really judgement, they’re jealousy. Jealousy that someone else is doing something that I for some reason have decided I can not do myself. So I judge them – and I limit myself. And I noticed that this affects SO many aspects of my life! And I realised that luckily, when I do these things, that I unknowingly judge others for, I become a much more openhearted, positive and enthusiastic person.
I’m writing about clothes and looks… but I think it applies to many aspects of our lives and behaviours. Judge a messy house – they broke the rule you impose on yourself of always keeping it clean. Judge someoen who’s “not fit enough” – you wish you cared less about your looks. Judge someone who’s “too fit” – you wish you allowed yourself to prioritise your health and looks as much as they do. Judge someone who’s kids are watching their phones during a whole restaurant visit – you might be longing for some alone time with your partner. Judge the person dancing like a weirdo at the party – you might just wish you were brave enough to let go and have fun doing the same.
Try! Try to see if maybe you also have a million rules enforced on yourself, that you judge others for breaking. And try, just try to break those rules yourself. Wear that short dress. Wear that long dress. Go without make up, go with a lot of make up. Eat that delicious looking cake for no reason in the middle of the day. Eat only a salad or carrots for lunch. Wear a weird print, wear a funny tie. Put your cap in an angle that isn’t “in” right now.
Start discovering and breaking those arbitrary rules, and you might soften your heart towards yourself and everyone around you in the process. I know I am.
*HUGS*
